I'm sorry for your lost, but I think i know how your friend must have felt. Laughing, smiling and pretending everything is fine or people believe that, it's just a defense mechanism. Personally it's just my way of coping with how lonely I feel.
I think that you’re right, anon. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and in the end I came to the same conclusion. It’s just that back then I accepted that happiness as genuine. I don’t know your personal situation, but if you ever need a friend you can message me off anon. And again, don’t be afraid to break the silence. Sometimes it’s good to talk about these feelings before they evolve into something bigger.
i'm so sad to hear about your friend. and also about you; i hope you know you didn't fail as a friend, you probably helped keep him alive more than we will know. but thank you for letting people know to be aware about if something seems off about their loved ones. you're such a lovely person, and though things aren't okay, i hope you will at least feel okay someday again. i'm sending you my thoughts and love <3
Thank you, anon. I’ve been telling all of my friends not to blame themselves and I’ve been telling myself the same thing also. But I guess that I still can’t help but feel guilty about all of this. There are so many things I wish that I had said or done, but I was too naive. Hopefully I’ll be able to forgive myself in the future.
tw: suicide, death.
I feel like my blog keeps going more and more off topic with every post, but please bear with me.
Last week I lost my best friend. He was truly the most enigmatic person I’ve ever met. He was always smiling, and no matter what he always seemed to look at the positive side of life. It was almost annoying, actually. And I say “almost” because no matter what, I could never ever bring myself to be mad at him. He never said anything bad about anyone, never pushed anyone around… always seemed to have the right words to say. He was the type of person that inspired love, the guy that everyone wanted to be friends with. And I don’t know how he did it, but everywhere we went someone always greeted him. He had friends everywhere. It didn’t matter if they were our age or older or younger… everyone loved him.
Still last week I lost him. Not to an illness, not to an accident, but to suicide. When I first heard the news I thought that maybe, just maybe, it was all just part of a vile joke. Even as a mutual friend drove me to the service, part of me still held on to the hope that it was all nothing more than a cruel prank. But it was not.
And for the last week I’ve been battling with a wide variety of feelings. I’ve felt lonely, devastated, angry, but most of all: I have felt confused. The first day I simply couldn’t wrap my head around it. He was popular, intelligent, kind, handsome —and in the six years that I was his friend, I couldn’t recall a single instance where anyone (myself included) had been angry or disappointed by him. But the most confusing part was that he was always smiling and laughing, that he was always out with friends, and that he had so many goals and things planned.
But then the days passed, a bunch of things that had felt normal at the time were suddenly beginning to sound strange. The puzzle pieces began to fall right into place and as they did I couldn’t help but blame myself for what had happened. I had mistakenly accepted many of those signs as part of his persona —worse of all, I never did bring up the quirks that I never accepted.
When I gave him a ride home from university and he was dirty and disheveled, my mom suggested that we’d do his laundry. But questioning his hygiene seemed like such a crass thing to do that I never bothered to bring it up out of fear of hurting his feelings. When he told me that he disliked being in his apartment I never once asked him if it was because he was lonely, instead I assumed that it was because he loved going out. When he came to my house at noon only to fall asleep on my bed for hours I thought that maybe he was always tired because of the many nights spent partying.
I could go on, but the truth is that nothing that I do or say can bring him back now. I could go out there and put all of the puzzle pieces in their places, and he’d still be gone. The guilt of having failed him as a friend is something that I’ll just have to carry for the rest of my life.
Still, I’m writing this in the hopes that someone out there can learn something —anything— from my errors. If your friends ever do anything out of the ordinary: ask! Don’t be afraid of breaking the wall of silence. The same goes if you’re ever on the other side. If you’re ever lost, if you ever feel alone: don’t be afraid to reach out. I know that problems can sometimes feel like the end of the world, but your friends and loved ones will be there for you if you only ask. No matter who you are and no matter what you have done or what has been done to you, there will always be someone out there who will love you and understand you. And if you ever need a friend, I’ll be here to talk to you.
I’ll be going to bed now. But I just wanted to write this before I did. Sorry its so badly written. I’m just really, really tired.
masterlist of suicide hotlines across the globe.
I’M THINKING ABOUT…
My blog has been pretty inactive lately. I still play ACNL, but I haven’t really been documenting it because of school and whatnot. My birthday is coming up soon though, so I’ve been thinking of getting a 3DS w/ a capture card and using it to stream games.
My goal is to make a twitch channel (and possibly a Youtube one) where I’ll be sharing my progress/doing weekly giveaways. The thing is that my main ACNL town is a digital copy on the ACNL 3DS XL and since I don’t know how long it takes for a capture card to be installed I’m afraid of being without my game for too long, or for it to get damaged/lost in the mail (the only people that I know that do 3DS XL capture cards are from Japan)
So I’ve been thinking of getting the capture card installed on a regular 3DS and just starting a brand new ACNL game (with a cartridge that I can just reset.) Then of course once Pokemon comes out I can start giving out free shinies and sharing a brand new game u w u
What do you guys think?
Ahhhh I live your Evee pixels. Could you do a Woobat tshirt pixel?
Did you message the wrong person? I’ve made a few QR codes, but no Eevee stuff that I can remember. Though if you show me the Eevee shirt you meant I could attempt to make a Woobat one :3
New Leaf has the worst server. One time I was going to adopt someone's villager but an error kept popping up and the train never showed up. It took to many tries, we called it quits. The support site has yet to post a solution. I wish this problem was fixed. :/
Apparently some routers/internet services (not sure of which would be the correct term) are not compatible with each other. For example…
Player A - has a router/internet that is compatible with mine. If I try to play with them I will have no issues connecting with them.
Player B - has a router that is not compatible with mine. If I try to play with them I will not be able to connect with them no matter how many times I try. When I talked with support I was told to change my network settings (again, not sure if this is the right term) they walked me through some stuff but in the end none of those changes fixed anything. I’ve only ran across this problem twice (with two different people) and both times the people told me that this happened to them with almost everyone. I tried using my iPhone as a hotspot and it didn’t help, I also went to a nearby McDonalds and it didn’t help either. But when they went to McDonalds and I stayed at home we were able to connect and do our trade.
I don't understand why people put restaurants, shops, pet shops, zoo's etc. in their houses. Or even make their entire house a hotel. I'm not hating - they can do whatever the heck they want with their houses - I just don't understand. It's a house. You know, where you live and sleep and shit. It's not a service, it's where you live. You don't have to put all these cafes and shops in your house to make it look nice and interesting.
when I was growing up we had an actual bakery/restaurant in our house. we had a huge house with two front doors in the living room, so my dad built a wall to split the living room into two parts, one front door was used to enter the house and the other to enter the bakery/restaurant :)